I Was Shocked to Read a “Celebrity Dead at 31” Article That Wasn’t “Causes Unknown”

If you’re me, you see this:

And immediately start doing the pointing soyjack.

But no – she killed herself because someone named her “Niece.”

New York Post:

Niece Waidhofer, a social media influencer and model, has died by suicide. She was 31.

“Sadly, Niece took her own life after a long battle with mental health issues,” her family told TMZ. “She was very open with her followers about her struggles, even wanting to help followers who also suffered.”

A non-profit titled “Peace from Niece” is set to be created in her honor, according to TMZ, which will aid mental health awareness and fund mental illness research.

Her brother Nephew has started a GoFundMe for funeral expenses.

No, I’m just joking. Niece doesn’t have a brother named Nephew, and that isn’t really even a very funny joke.

They don’t need a GoFundMe – they’re setting up an entire fake charity. Based on her face and last name, I would assume the father is Jewish, and he probably named her “Niece” in the first place because it rhymed with “Peace,” the name he’d already planned for his charity when she eventually offed herself over being named “Niece.”

“Oy vey, who could have predicted that my childless 30-year-old internet hooker daughter was not happy with her life???”

Seriously though – if my daughter was a dumb whore on the internet and topped herself off, I’d run a charity scam on her simps. Why would you not do that? You paid for this bitch’s life for two decades or more, then she goes and becomes a whore on the internet, delivers zero grandchildren (just some parts of them for Planned Parenthood’s organ market), then does the single most selfish act possible – why should you not get paid?

Anyway – my views on the moral validity of running a scam off of your dead daughter aside, the point is: yeah, sometimes young people die. However, there’s always a cause, and before 2020, it wasn’t “heart attack” or “stroke.” It’s usually suicide, accident, or in the case of the blacks, homicide.

I could also insert some kind of commentary about the unhappiness of women in a society where there is no restriction on their sexuality or really any other behavior, but honestly, I just don’t really even care and I hope more internet sluts kill themselves.