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NEWTOWN, CT—In a plot twist even QAnon couldn’t predict, conspiracy king Alex Jones was accidentally added to a private group chat of the supposed “Sandy Hook victims”—who, it turns out, are not only alive, but thriving, gossiping about HBO’s The White Lotus, and documenting their scandalous sex lives in shocking detail.
HOW IT HAPPENED:
A typo in a Signal invite led Jones straight into the “Newtown 26 – Still Here, Still Fabulous” chat, where he was immediately met with:
• Selfies from “dead” children—now grown, tan, and sipping martinis in Ibiza
• Graphic hookup stories from parents supposedly “grieving” their lost kids
• Fervent debates about whether The Rizzler “is starting to look hot”
JONES’ MELTDOWN:
The Infowars host, confronted with irrefutable proof the shooting wasn’t faked, could only respond: “Okay but… why do all of you have OnlyFans?”
CHAT HIGHLIGHTS:
• “LOL remember when Alex said we were crisis actors? Babe, I wish I got SAG rates.”
• “My ‘ghost’ just got railed in a Vegas suite by an NFL player. Thoughts?”
• “If Tanya actually died in Season 2, why is Jennifer Coolidge still booking roles? CHECKMATE, LIBERALS.”
THE FALLOUT:
• Jones’ lawyers immediately filed a motion
• Trump Jr. tweets: “This is what happens when the deep state runs out of crisis actors and just lets them live their lives.”
• Sandy Hook “victims” announce a group trip to Epstein Island (“For the vibes”)
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