At Negotiations, Putin Reveals He is Zelensky’s Father

At the Monday talks on the border of Belarus, Russian dictator Vladimir Putin made a shocking revelation to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, the former revealing that he is the latter’s biological father.

During the meeting, Putin was able to use tactics he learned during his time at the KGB to corner Zelensky in a boiler room and confront him one-on-one.

“You are beaten,” Putin told Zelensky. “It is useless to resist. Don’t let yourself be destroyed like Trotsky did.”

Zelensky tucked and rolled behind a series of pipes, finding himself trapped between two boilers.

“There is no escape. Don’t make me destroy you,” Putin said. “You do not yet realize your importance. You have only just begun to discover your power. Join me and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can bring an end to this destructive conflict and bring order to Europe.”

Zelensky, defiant to the end, replied, “I’ll never join you!”

“If you only knew the power of Russia. Your auntie never told you what happened to your father,” Putin bloviated.

“My father was gassed in the Holocaust! They turned him into a lampshade!” Zelensky screamed.

“No,” Putin said. “I am your father.”

“No! That’s not true!” Zelensky screamed, losing his cool in a rare moment of weakness. “That’s impossible!”

“Search your feelings,” Putin replied. “You know it to be true.”

“No! No! No!”

“Volodymyr. You can destroy NATO. It is your destiny. Join me, and together we can rule Europe as father and son. Come with me. It is the only way.” Putin held out his hand to Zelensky, expecting him to agree to this devil’s bargain.

But not even the revelation that this whole time he’d been battling his own father was enough to break Zelensky’s resolve. Instead, he rolled and jumped down an air vent.

Tumbling for what seemed like minutes through the metal tube, Zelensky found himself caught on a ledge, hanging over a deathly Belarusian cliff.

As luck would have it, a helicopter flown by Jens Stoltenberg and Ursula von der Leyen was there to pick him up. Zelensky dropped down into their helicopter, and embraced Von der Leyen tightly.

“It took you long enough, kid,” Stoltenberg said with a smile. “Been waiting around all day.”

Zelensky tried his best to muster up a smile at the roguish NATO chief, but the revelation reverberated in his head. Still, there was no question in his mind: the fact that Vladimir Putin is his true father makes no difference in the fight between good and evil. He will stand with the side of good, and fight for democracy, against the evil Lord Putin.

At a press conference later that day, Jen Psaki was asked if Zelensky could still be trusted, after the revelation that Putin is his true father. Psaki stated emphatically, “if anything, it means we should put more trust in him. This is a man who is willing to stand up against his own father in order to fight for the freedoms of democracy.”

Joe Biden released a statement saying that Zelensky truly is the hero that the world needs to defeat Russia, and implied that he could be the one flying the Ghost of Kiev and shooting down hundreds of Russian jets.

Jens Stoltenberg in an interview later in the day admitted that he had known all along that Putin was Zelensky’s father, but did not believe that the right time had come to reveal this information, as he feared it could weaken his resolve.

“However,” Stoltenberg said, “we now see that it has only strengthened his resolve, and hardened his desire to bring down the Russian Empire.”

“Zelensky may in fact be the greatest leader the world has ever known,” Stoletenberg said, his eyes watering up a bit, “and his true quest has only just begun.”