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Heterosexuals are fundamentally awesome. We put our penises in the correct hole: the vagina hole (and maybe under some specific and limited circumstances, the mouth hole – particularly if there are complications involved in strengthening the power of the erection).
No one needs to be “aware” of heterosexuals. Everyone knows about us and our incredible achievements. Even the faggots themselves are a result of heterosexuality. Heterosexuality is the only way in which a human can be created.
However, people do need to be reminded that we are awesome.
A saloon in Idaho is drawing both jeers and cheers for its cheeky counter-programming to Pride Month, declaring June “Heterosexual Awesomeness Month,” billing it as a celebration of all things straight.
“Come join us all month to celebrate heterosexuals, for without them, none of us would be here!” Old State Saloon in the city of Eagle wrote in a Facebook post announcing a month of festivities and drink specials.
Every Monday in June will be “Hetero Male Monday,” with a free draft beer given to “any heterosexual male dressed like a heterosexual male,” the bar said.
The bar even put out a call seeking a “professional” judge qualified “to determine if men’s chosen clothing is officially heterosexual,” offering $15 per hour plus free beer as compensation to anyone who “think[s] you have what it takes to determine straight threads.”
Wednesdays will be for couples, where “each heterosexual couple” will receive 15% off their bill.
Thursdays are ladies’ nights–heterosexual ladies, to be precise — with “Her Hetero Happy Hour” promising happy-hour prices for straight women all day long.
The Facebook post drew nearly 2,000 comments within 72 hours, with a well-balanced mix of people applauding the subversive mock celebration and those who took offense.
“This is horribly disappointing. I can handle differing political views. I CANNOT handle bigotry and hate towards marginalized communities,” a Facebook user wrote.
Another person weighed in, “Imagine being this insecure.”
If all of America was Idaho, we would not have very many problems.
We’d probably still have some Jew lovers, but a “National State of Idaho” would allow freedom of speech, which would allow us to easily explain to the Jew lovers that “Judeo-Christianity” is a Jewish scam perpetrated by the same people who murdered our Sweet Lord Jesus.
But anal is the key evil. It is the key to evil. I’m thinking of several different Zelda-related analogies here.
In Zelda, there was an evil wizard with a very specific phenotype that included a very prominent nose attempting to force a blight on a peaceful land of joyful and awesome heterosexuals.
And you had to… you know… you had to find keys to destroy his castle or whatever.
All my love to the Old State Saloon, which methinks may be launching a revolution.
Let’s see some other bars do this.
Homosexuals remain a small minority, while heterosexuals are the majority. So it makes a lot of basic common sense to do marketing towards heterosexuals.
The problem is that the feds might send in fully-militarized police to kill your dog and beat the shit out of you for saying things like “heterosexuality is awesome.”
I think maybe some boomers don’t understand the threat of fed violence against people who promote heterosexuality.
I hope it goes well for this bar and their dog.
