New Culture War Front Erupts Over Handjobs

Earlier this month, a new major study on sexual dynamics in committed long-term relationships conducted by the Pew Research Institute was released and has shone light on just how little interest heterosexual American men have in receiving manual sex, commonly known as a “handjob,” from their significant other, opening up an aggressive new front on the culture wars.

A full 98% of heterosexual American men in committed relationships (either marriage or a civil partnership) polled in the wide-ranging survey said that they would prefer to watch black and white CCTV footage of raccoons raiding a dumpster behind a 7/11 than receive a handjob from their significant other. The results have stirred debate and in some cases outrage, with some claiming that “the handjob question” speaks to a core power dynamic between men and women in relationships, while others claim the opposite.

It was noted by researchers that the 2% who preferred a handjob to CCTV raccoon footage are in relationships with trans women.

While the rate of men who prefer raccoon videos to handjobs was shocking to some, perhaps even more disturbing is that a full 9% of men said that they would rather have “demonic cyborgs, like from the DOOM video game series,” shove poison-laced needles into their eyeballs than get a handjob from their partner.

“Many women do not want to have sex with their partner because they have a headache or they had a stressful day, and they will try to use a handjob as a way to satiate their partner without needing to provide him with vaginal sex,” said Harvard science professor and chair of Aboriginal Interactive Art Installations and Native American Escape Room Design Theory Leonard Berkowitz. “The fact is, manual sex can lead to ejaculation in the same way as vaginal sex, the semen will squirt out just the same, and therefore the stated male preference for vaginal or oral intercourse in place of manual sex demonstrates that even with all of the talk of progress, the average American male is still deeply sexist, and believes he should have a right to insert his penis into the vagina of his partner at will, ignoring the headaches and stress his female partner may be experiencing.”

However, many on the American right are framing this handjob issue in terms of the “woke” cultural discourse, with several popular figures on the right, including the president of the United States, claiming that men have a right to “smash the gash.”

During an interview with Rick “The Rattlesnake” O’Henry, controversial podcast host Joe Rogan asked his guest if he’d been following what he called “handjobgate.”

“Have you seen this?” Rogan asked, and before waiting for an answer, continued: “they’re trying to say now that women get headaches all the time and don’t feel like having sex with their husbands so instead of having sex women should be able to just give them handjobs.”

Rogan asked his assistant Jamie to pull up the Pew study, and Jamie confirmed that 98% of men would prefer to watch the raccoon dumpster raid. Jamie then offered that the 2% who preferred the handjob were dating or married to trans women.

“Yeah, so, it’s not just swimming where trans have an advantage,” Rogan, who has been repeatedly accused of transphobia, noted. He went on: “maybe sometimes she does have a headache, and men can understand that, but if every single time the man wants to snuggle, the bitch is saying she’s got a headache and is acting like that pawn shop meme, saying ‘the best I can do is a handy,’ I think a man has a right to be upset about that.”

O’Henry seemed largely disinterested, but replied, “I can see that.”

“These are the same people who locked us down during Covid, then told everyone not to take ivermectin or they were a kook, despite the fact that ivermectin has been proven in clinical studies for decades to be effective against these same types of viruses and other countries prescribe it. And even if it didn’t help with Covid, it wasn’t going to hurt anything, it’s a totally safe drug. But they told people it was horse paste and you were a kook if you wanted to try it and Pfizer was the only one with the solution. That’s what the experts said. They said don’t even try anything else, just do what we tell you. And now we’re supposed to believe these same experts who are telling us that you can have a marriage with no sex, where your wife has a headache 24/7 and just gives you handjobs.”

O’Henry vaguely nodded in response.

“Man, they told us whatever crashed at Roswell was a weather balloon. They’re still saying that. To this day, the CIA will still claim that whatever that was, which every witness said looked like a flying saucer, was a weather balloon. Not even Trump can get all the JFK files released. In the Amazon jungle, there are fungal parasites that can take control of the brains of ants, take control of their entire bodies and force them to walk to a place where they can feed the mycelium’s host, and it’s like the woke media really is this kind of fungal mind virus, and people just go along with it, and no one wants to speak out because they’re afraid they’ll get destroyed. Shane Gillis, one of the funniest people, banned from SNL before he was even hired because of some bullshit throwaway joke on a podcast 15 years ago that some woke Karen decided could hurt someone’s feelings.”

O’Henry said nothing, perhaps hoping that the conversation would at some point steer back to his bear wrestling career.

“Even if a man is on estrogen, he spent his entire life developing his bone density and muscle mass as a male individual. And I don’t have any problem with how anyone wants to live their life. When I was back in LA before I moved here to Austin, greatest city in the world by the way, when I lived in LA I would sometimes run into Caitlyn Jenner. She is a great woman. Totally kind, very engaging, she will ask you questions about what is happening in your life and not just talk about herself, but you know what she says about trans women in women’s sports?” Without waiting for a response from the world’s most famous bear wrestler, Rogan answered his own question: “she says it’s not fair. She says give them their own league if they want to compete, because whatever your ideology is, it’s not right to have their male bodies competing with female bodies. Even Gavin Newsom is saying this now and acting like he was always saying it.”

Rogan then took a long drag off of what appeared to be a marijuana cigar, and continued: “so if it’s these people who are telling us ‘handjob, handjob, handjob,’ I just don’t know how anyone can take them seriously. The whole pro-handjob movement is just more woke nonsense. They are out there claiming people want to exterminate handjobs. Who is saying that?”

O’Henry appeared to struggle to try to force a laugh, clearly uncomfortable and not sure how or if he was supposed to be responding to these statements.

“You think it’s funny,” said Joe, “and I’m sure a lot of these women think it’s funny when their husband is trying to fuck and they’re rubbing his dickskin raw, but pretty soon AI is going to be so advanced that it is the one designing the robots. Have you seen the Optimus that Elon is working on? That guy is a legitimate fucking genius and he says that the AI is now doing the majority of the work on programming and designing, doing the design, for the physical humanoid robots. So AI is building itself, it’s building its own bodies in the form of these robots. So how long until the humanoid robots are going to have better pussies than any of these bitches out here? They will have nano-machines inside of their robot pussies. Just pure dick Heaven. Then men aren’t even going to be asking their wives for sex anymore, they’re just going to go to the laundry room and fuck the robot assistant. Am I right? I mean wouldn’t you rather fuck some magic nano pussy than get your dickskin rubbed raw by a handy?”

O’Henry struggled to answer, “that’s, you know, man, a lot of this stuff is scary, the technology…”

“Damn right it’s scary,” Rogan replied. “It is scary as fuck. Because forget about what is going to happen to your marriage when your wife finds you fucking the robot assistant because she just wanted to give you a handy and you wanted something to smash, but if that robot pussy has nanomachines inside of it, then it could be transferring data into your DNA while you are fucking it.” Joe then paused, apparently for dramatic effect. “I know Elon, he’s a good friend of mine, and he is making these robots, or I should say he’s making the AI that is making the robots because it’s doing most of the work now, and I don’t think he has any bad intentions, but he will tell you that this technology scares the fuck out of him, even though he’s the one making the money off of it, and he’s calling for Congress to regulate it. Because everything gets hacked, man. You look around this room, every piece of electronic equipment in this room is being hacked by someone. There’s some Russian or some Chinese hacking that headset you’re wearing right now, guaranteed. They’re hacking our phones, there was a story a while back where someone hacked a water fountain and made it spill over, flooded the building. So if you’ve got nanobots in a robot pussy, the Chinese can hack them and get into your DNA and make you start wanting to support a Chinese invasion of Taiwan or the social credit system. You go fuck that robot and then all of a sudden you start telling people ‘nothing happened at Tiananmen Square,’ and you don’t even know why you’re saying it, because it’s in your DNA.”

Also this week, Donald Trump took to Truth Social to write in all caps “SMASH THE GASH!”, a newly popular slogan which critics say is an argument in defense of rape.

After CNN’s Jake Tapper did a segment on the Trump “truth,” noting that “smash the gash” is a slogan used by radical campus pro-rape protesters who want all women raped and plan to exterminate handjobs, Trump called for CNN’s entire staff to be fired, which many fear is a direct attack on the Second Amendment.

Congress is now calling for special hearings to interview heads of top universities that are allowing “smash the gash” to be chanted on campuses across America. Defenders of the slogan claim that it is simply a slogan in defense of vaginal intercourse, and not a call to rape or a call to exterminate handjobs, and argue that the fact that pro-rape advocates use the slogan does not mean that everyone who chants “smash the gash” is pro-rape.

During an interview with CNN, a masked campus protester stationed at an encampment on Harvard’s campus supporting the movement said that “smash the gash” is a slogan with a long history that simply means vaginal sex has a right to exist. He also claimed that being pro-vaginal sex does not mean you are anti-handjob or that you are trying to exterminate handjobs. The protester also claimed that another slogan, “globalize gash smashing,” was not a call for a global mass rape or wiping out handjobs, but rather a rallying cry for people all over the world who support vaginal sex to come together in defense of “normal penetrative sex, something that all men have a right to.”

Later in the day, the “smash the gash” encampment was broken up by the National Guard and several students were reported injured. In a tearful statement, Harvard president Alan M. Garber said that while Harvard supports the rights of students to freedom of speech, calls to exterminate handjobs do not fall under the banner of freedom of speech. However, Garber is still being called before Congress to testify as to why it took over 27 minutes for the “smash the gash” protest to be broken up by the National Guard.

Towards the end of part 837 of a 1500-part podcast series about how French President Emmanuel Macron is married to his own father, popular African American female podcast host Candace Owens, who has been accused of “rabid anti-handjobism” by her former boss and male feminist Ben Shapiro, weighed in on the issue.

“Men should smash that gash,” Owens said. “And you know what, as a woman who loves her husband and understands he has sexual needs, even if I do have a headache, I’m not going to try to give him some uncomfortable and unsatisfying handjob. I don’t need to tell men this, but the skin on the penis is very soft and sensitive, and rubbing that with your hand can cause chaffing that can be painful for a man for days. So yes, even if I have a headache, I’m going to let my husband smash that gash, and that does not make me anti-handjob, and at this point, I don’t even care if people call me an anti-handjobite. I have a lot of friends who give their husbands handjobs and they agree with me that he should smash that gash, but if believing in smashing the gash makes me anti-handjob, then you know what, fine. I’m a radical vaginal-sexer who believes in exterminating handjobs. Whatever. I don’t care anymore. I’ll tell you who’s not smashing a gash and that is Emmanuel Macron, because his ‘wife’ doesn’t have a gash to smash and I challenge anyone to prove to me that Brigitte Macron has a gash.”

To pour fuel on the fire, 32-year-old contrarian Tomi Lahren appeared on Piers Morgan to scream about how men should be thankful for handjobs, and that demanding vaginal sex just demonstrates how “manosphere” activists are even more whiny and entitled than the feminists they oppose.

“It’s my body, my choice, and no man has any right to vaginal sex simply because I’m married to him,” Lahren claimed very aggressively. “I was taught to treat myself as a princess, and to insist that men do the same, and if the princess has a headache, you’re lucky to even get the handjob.”

Pushing back on Lahren’s aggressive claims, Morgan noted that he often gets angry responses from viewers when he has her on the show due to what he claims many view as her belligerence. He read what he claimed was a tweet from a user on X, formerly Twitter, about her last appearance on the show: “one viewer writes on X, ‘Tomi is much too old to be doing the entitled 19-year-old party girl bit. She is in her thirties and lives in a fantasy where all men should worship her. I have not masturbated to any of her news segments in over five years. No one who has seen the recent photos of her Christmas ham thighs is interested in smashing that gash in the first place. I also don’t like her feet.’ So, what do you say to that?”

“Piers, I have worked in media for 15 years and this is the most unprofessional thing I have ever seen a supposedly serious news host do. I do not have Christmas ham thighs, I am in very good shape, and all day long I get nothing but dick pics on my Instagram account, and I will tell you, there is no shortage of people asking for feet pics either. I am repulsed that you would say this kind of slander.” Lahren then demanded that the camera be moved to show her thighs and feet.

“No, no,” Piers replied, “we can’t do that with the camera, we’re just having a discussion here. But it’s not me that’s saying this, I’m simply reading something that someone wrote on X, which I think is a legitimate criticism. You seem to think very highly of yourself, and think that a lot of men owe you a lot of things, but you don’t really seem interested in self-reflection, so what I was hoping is that maybe we could get a little bit of self reflection.”

“Piers, if I want to reflect on myself, I can go read the replies on any Instagram post, where I promise you, there are a lot of men who want to smash this gash.”

“Okay, okay, well now, hold on, calm down. A lot of people might note that many or maybe all of those Instagram replies are from India, and not from Westerners where we are really having the debate over whether or not ‘smash the gash’ is really a call to exterminate handjobs.”

Lahren then began accusing Piers of racism, and the conversation degraded much further, proving just how toxic the discussion around gashes and handjobs has become.

Donald Trump apparently viewed the segment on Piers Morgan and commented on it with a “truth” on his Truth Social website.

In a highly surprising and unorthodox move, Ted Cruz agreed to sit down with Tucker Carlson for a two-hour unedited interview defending handjobs. At time of writing, the full interview has not been published, but Carlson released some clips which appear to show Cruz struggling to defend his pro-handjob position, and coming across as though he is opposed to vaginal sex entirely, and understands very little about mammalian reproduction generally.

In one of the clips, Cruz says: “Listen, I got married 25 years ago with the stated intention of getting handjobs. I’ve worked every day to do that. A lot of times I wish handjobs were much more effective. Like sometimes I don’t even ejaculate at all.”

Cruz claims the clip was taken out of context and we will get the full story when the interview is released tomorrow, but many have a hard time imagining what that statement could possibly mean.

This exchange was also released in clip form and is being viewed as equally confusing:

TUCKER CARLSON: Okay, so you get married because you want to have a family. How often do handjobs result in pregnancy by the way?

SENATOR TED CRUZ: I don’t know the specific number. No, I don’t know.

TUCKER CARLSON: You don’t know the number of pregnancies that are the result of handjobs?

SENATOR TED CRUZ: How many handjobs result in pregnancy?

TUCKER CARLSON: Zero.

SENATOR TED CRUZ: Okay, yeah.

TUCKER CARLSON: How could you not know that?

SENATOR TED CRUZ: I don’t sit around memorizing insemination tables.

TUCKER CARLSON: Well, it’s kind of relevant because you’re calling for women to have headaches every day and refuse their husbands vaginal sex.

SENATOR TED CRUZ: Why is it relevant? Whether it’s zero or one or two, why is it relevant?

TUCKER CARLSON: Because  you don’t know anything about insemination and yet your arguing for handjobs over vaginal intercourse.

SENATOR TED CRUZ: I didn’t say I don’t know anything about insemination.

TUCKER CARLSON: Okay. What’s the average size of an ejaculation load in milliliters?

SENATOR TED CRUZ: There are sperms, and it’s got potassium.

TUCKER CARLSON: Okay, you don’t know anything about semen. So…

SENATOR TED CRUZ: Okay. I am not the Tucker Carlson expert on blowing loads.

TUCKER CARLSON: You’re a senator who’s calling to arrest people for chanting “smash the gash.”

SENATOR TED CRUZ: You’re the one who doesn’t know anything about blowing loads. No, you don’t know anything about the semen. You’re the one who claims you should rape your wife if she has a headache.

TUCKER CARLSON: I’m not saying that.

It’s clear that the discussion about handjobs, vaginal sex, and the legality and meaning of the slogan “smash the gash” is far from over, and it appears that this debate may become a permanent fixture in American politics.

There are some in the middle of the road, who are hoping that Americans can come together “in the name of common sense” and find “common ground.” High level scientist and respected cultural commentator Eric Weinstein, for instance, released a statement saying: “There are extremists on the handjobber side and hardliners in the ‘smash the gash’ crowd. But we are all Americans and we all believe in ejaculation, and we need to turn down the temperature and come together to honor the rules of common sense and find consensus in some places and agree to disagree in other places. We cannot let handjobs and gash-smashing tear this country in two when we are facing such heavy threats from China in the AI race.”

Unfortunately for the country, which experts on both sides agree is in an AI race with the Chinese, but perhaps fortunately for the podcasters and social media personalities who make a living off of fomenting cultural tension, there is no reason to believe the temperature is going to be turned down on the handjob debate any time soon.