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The following letter—a satire—is currently circulating via email. It is supposedly from a British national who has decided to immigrate to Pakistan.
The New Observer
September 8, 2013
Dear Mr. Cameron,
I’m planning to move my family and extended family to Pakistan for my health and I would like to ask you to assist me with this.
We’re planning to simply fly from Britain to Pakistan and we’ll need your help to make a few arrangements.
We plan to skip all of the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws.
I’m sure they handle those things in the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Asif Ali Zardari, that I’m on my way over?
Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. All Pakistani Government forms must be printed in English.
4. I want my grandkids to be taught Urdu by English speaking (bi-lingual) teachers.
5. Tell their schools they need to include classes on British culture and history.
6. I want my grandkids to see the British flag on one of the flag poles at their school.
7. Please plan to feed my grandkids at school for both breakfast (Bacon & Eggs) and lunch.
8. I will need a local Pakistani driver’s license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Pakistan, but I don’t plan to purchase car insurance, and I probably won’t make any special effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Pakistani police officers does not get the memo from President Zardari to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.
11. I plan to fly the British flag from my housetop, put British Flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on December 25th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, or have any labour or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.
13. Please have President Zardari tell all of the Pakistani people to be extremely nice and never say critical things about me or my family, or about the strain we might place on their economy.
14. I want to receive free food stamps.
15. Naturally, I’ll expect free rent subsidies.
16. I’ll need income tax credits so that although I won’t pay Pakistani taxes, I’ll receive money from the government.
17. Please arrange it so that the Pakistan Government pays me £4,500.00 to help me buy a new car.
18. Oh yes, I almost forgot, please enroll me free into the Pakistan Social Security program so that I’ll get a monthly pension cheque in retirement.
I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all of his people who fly to Britain from Pakistan. I am sure that President Zardari won’t mind returning the favour if you ask him nicely.
Thank you so much for your kind help.”
*Pakistan is in effect a non-immigration country. Even those who qualify for a temporary entrance visa (say for tourism or work) are not eligible to apply for citizenship or permanent residency, unless they are married to a Pakistani citizen or if they are Commonwealth citizen who have invested minimum 5 million Pakistani Rupess into the local economy.
