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Many young readers will not remember that immediately following the three towers coming down in New York on September 11, 2001, America became the most patriotic country that has ever existed.
Riding on that energy, in 2002 country singer Toby Keith recorded what is now universally considered to be the greatest song of all time, “Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue.”
The song is about mass slaughtering Moslems in revenge for the attacks, which is about the most hilarious thing you can write a hit pop song about.
The energy surrounding the fight against the coronavirus is intended to be in the same vein, but the patriotism and the general feelings of uproarious collective energy is muted given that we are now a much browner and fragmented country then we were when those towers came down, with the media and politicians now regularly voicing open disgust for America and the American people.
Some boomers are trying to bring back that old-fashioned post-911 feeling of euphoria associated with collective violent purpose. They’ve gotten some traction around cheering for medical workers, but overall, it’s just really difficult to get people to come together, given the divisiveness of all politics now.
After the attacks and up to the invasion of Iraq, George W. Bush had a 92% approval rating. Donald Trump’s has not changed in light of the coronavirus event, still riding around the mid-40s, even though the fallout from this event is going to be a million times more extreme than the fallout from 911.
The time has come for Toby Keith to get his fat ass off the couch and do something about this: he needs to record a version of “Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue” about coronavirus and honoring the heroic medical workers, who are as much of heroes as the soldiers who went to fight and die taking revenge on Moslems.
After having listened to the song, you can pretty much just listen to it now, clean, and imagine that it’s about fighting the virus, and get feelings of absolute euphoria thinking about the bravery of these medical workers, who are giving their lives to take revenge against this virus that attacked my America.
If I was producing the “Coronavirus Bastard Remix,” I would just change a couple of verses:
American girls and American guys
We’ll always stand up and salute
We’ll always recognize
When we see Old Glory flying
There’s a lot of nurses dead
So we can sleep in peace at night when we lay down our headMy mommy served in the hospital
Where she lost her right eye but she flew a flag out in our yard
Until the day that she died
She wanted my father, my brother, my sister and me
To grow up and live happy
In the land of the freeNow this nation that I love has fallen under attack
A mighty sucker punch came flyin’ in from somewhere in the back
Soon as we could see clearly
Through our big black eye
Man, we lit up your world
Like the fourth of JulyHey Uncle Sam, put your name at the top of his list
And the Statue of Liberty started shakin’ her fist
And the eagle will fly man, it’s gonna be hell
When you hear mother freedom start ringin’ her bell
And it feels like the whole wide world is raining down on you
Brought to you courtesy of the red white and blueJustice will be served and the battle will rage
This big dog will fight when you rattle his cage
And you’ll be sorry that you messed with
The U.S. of A.
‘Cause we’ll put a vaccine in your ass
It’s the American wayHey Uncle Sam put your name at the top of his list
And the Statue of Liberty started shakin’ her fist
And the eagle will fly it’s gonna be hell
When you hear mother freedom start ringin’ her bell
And it feels like the whole wide world is raining down on you
Brought to you courtesy of the red white and blue
Oh oh of the red white and blue
Oh oh of my red white and blue
These emotions would get everyone 100% on board with fighting this invisible enemy in the most jingoistic conceivable fashion one is able to manage a disease.
What it does also is give the government the ability to do anything they want, indefinitely, because anyone who speaks out against the actions of the government is viewed by the masses to be speaking out against the song and the euphoria it creates. Due to this sweeping emotionality, everyone who speaks out, such as the protestors who have been calling for the country to open back up, will be accused of siding with the virus against the nation. They will be accused of hating our brave girls in blue.
If Toby wants to make about a trillion dollars, he can hit me up. I can get Coors on board with this. I can probably even get Greg Johnson to sing backup vocals and play the kazoo.
I just Googled it and he’s still alive. He’s on Twitter, playing guitar and talking about himself in the third person.
Toby's playing his song "The Size I Wear" while he's quarantined down in Mexico with his furniture store guitar! https://t.co/yrGzbdmp0x
— Toby Keith (@tobykeith) April 28, 2020
Toby, ring me the heck up, man.
This is an opportunity to get rich by exploiting the primitive fears of the American people all over again.
Let’s do this thing.
The only thing in life that matters is making as much money as possible, Toby.
Put down the Coors for a second and just listen to the people on TV talking about how everyone needs to be afraid forever.
Tell me what you hear.
