Columbia University to Provide Special Police to Escort Every Jew Student Around Campus

Jews are are the richest and most powerful people on earth by a virtually unbelievable margin. However, we can’t let that distract us from the fact that they are also somehow the most oppressed people on earth.

In a shocking and confounding twist, the degree to which they are oppressed is equal to the degree of their overwhelming wealth and influence.

We need to give them all kinds of special rights to prevent them from being oppressed even further. For example, we all have to chip in and pay for special police to protect them everywhere they go. Because they are so extraordinarily wealthy, they could simply pay for their own special police protection, but it would be an atrocity to make oppressed people pay for their own protection from oppression.

If any of this confuses you, I refer you to the Jewish-owned media for further information.

New York Post:

Petrified Columbia University students who have felt “harassed and intimidated” by anti-Israel protests which have gripped their college and disrupted learning for months will be provided safety escorts on campus.

The move is part of a settlement in a lawsuit filed on Tuesday in Manhattan federal court, where the Ivy League school will now offer “walking escorts” across campus and appoint a “safe passage liaison” to address any students concerns over protests.

This means that every Jew is going to have a special cop following them around on campus, making sure someone doesn’t say something mean to them.

It’s the least we can do for a people that are this oppressed. Can you even imagine if you went somewhere and someone said something mean to you?

Sorry, but unless you’re Jewish, you have no idea what it feels like if someone says something mean to you.

Additionally, accommodations will be made for students who were displaced by the protests and couldn’t finish exams or assignments.

It resolves a proposed class action filed by a female Jewish student referred to as C.S. who claimed making students take online classes in response to protests showed how “dangerous” campus had become.

This settlement sets the bar for how Columbia must protect its students,” Jay Edelson, a lawyer for C.S., said in a statement on Tuesday.

I can’t find any numbers as to how much it is going to cost to have a special cop escort every Jew around campus. But there are definitely a lot of Jews at Columbia.

Because Jews are the wealthiest and most powerful group of people on earth, they are vastly overrepresented at the Ivy League. They are in fact overrepresented by over 1200% at Columbia.

This is of course great news for antisemites, because everywhere they go on an Ivy League campus, they can find a Jew to oppress.

It also means it is going to cost a lot, lot, lot of money to have every Jew escorted around by a special cop.

But we all need to remember that on October 7th, Hamas ate Jewish babies alive. Hamas flayed innocent Jewish women with chair legs and then ground up their bones into a powder and snorted it off of the yarmulkes of terrified rabbis. They used repurposed pizza ovens to melt down Jewish bodies and then use their flesh like clay to make soup bowls, and then used the soup bowls to eat soup they made out of the toenails of innocent Jewish rave DJs. Hamas even went so far as to use helium tanks to fill up the stomachs of Jewish social workers and cause them to float into the Sun, where they burned up and turned into dust as a result of the heat from solar flares.

In an atrocity so brutal that it’s hard to believe, Hamas scientists cut off the arms and legs of an innocent Jewish lesbian and then sewed her arms onto where her legs should be and the reverse. They then made her dance the fandango upside down while using her hands (which were where her legs should have been) to play the cello – all while she was forced to sing “Yankee-Doodle-Dandy.” If she sang out of key, a group of trained Hamas raccoons would scratch her face.

Maybe those stories are hard to believe, but they are all 100% confirmed by eyewitness accounts, which were corroborated by the Israeli government. Ben Shapiro has posted all of the proof on his Twitter account.

That’s why they need protection. That’s why no amount of money is ever enough.