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For centuries, Jews have described anti-Semitism in a manner that suggests it is something tangible, something measurable. “Anti-Semitism is all around us,” Jewish authors often claim, as though it were a virus that seized the thinking of men and made them despise Jews for no reason whatsoever.
Neo-Nazis and White Supremacists, on the other hand, have long rejected these implications and claimed instead that anti-Semitism was a natural response to Jews’ collective behavior towards gentiles.
As it turns out, however, the Jews were right after all.
According to new research published in the Journal of Chemical Education, an Israeli professor of Chemical Biology from the University of Haifa has discovered that anti-Semitism is indeed a pathogen with no known cause.
The University of Haifa, Israel.
“It all started when I took a pilgrimage to the Auschwitz-Birkenau death camp in Poland,” wrote Professor Hershel Shvindl, the study author. “As I stood in the center of the infamous gas chamber at the end of the tour, weeping at the mania of it all, a burning desire for understanding overcame me: How could this have happened? Why did the Germans murder so many of my people for no reason? It just didn’t make any sense.
“So I did something a little unusual: I removed a test tube from my pocket, captured some of the musty air floating around the chamber, and then re-sealed the tube. Some people might have called it crazy, but I didn’t care – if there were a scientific explanation for anti-Semitism then the toxic atmosphere of Auschwitz surely contained it.”
The Auschwitz-Birkenau death camp in southern Poland, in which six million innocent Jews perished at the hands of murderous Germans during World War II.
However, nothing prepared Professor Shvindl for what he discovered when he returned to the university and placed the air under the microscope.
“I noticed that the sample contained millions of molecules that were currently unidentified by science. They were round, white and possessed extremely efficient atomic structures. What really shocked me most of all, though, was their aggressiveness – but only in the presence of gentiles. They seemed to attach themselves to gentiles like magnets and, almost instantly, make them hostile to Jews.”
Determined to gain a deeper understanding of his findings, Professor Shvindl assembled a team of 15 research fellows and traveled across the world with them, targeting anti-Semitic “hotspots” and analyzing samples of their atmosphere.
“Every place we visited with a history of anti-Semitic behavior had one thing in common: the atmosphere was packed to the brim with these little white molecules. Though Auschwitz-Birkenau contained high concentrations of them, it was by no means the worst offender. The Arab settlements of Palestine were absolutely infested with them, as were the historical capitals of Eastern Europe.
Warsaw, Poland: one of the cities in which Professor Shvindl conducted his research.
“Italy seemed to be especially contaminated, but unfortunately we didn’t have time to collect many samples because as soon as a group of locals discovered we were Jewish, they chased us out of the country with meat cleavers and rolling pins – seriously, they didn’t stop until we had entered the French-speaking part of Switzerland.”
After his team’s unfortunate experiences in Europe, Professor Shvindl was forced to make an unpleasant conclusion: “It seemed clear to me that I had discovered the source of anti-Semitism: an airborne pathogen, not dissimilar to that of a virus, that hijacks gentiles’ faculties and makes them blindly hate Jews.
“It seems so unfair,” Professor Shvindl admitted. “We Jews have been the great poets, thinkers and healers of the human race for millennia, and yet we are doomed to be hated forever thanks to a rogue disease of indeterminate origin. No wonder the unspeakable evil of the Holocaust happened – the German people were not in control of their own minds.
Professor Shvindl believes that Adolf Hitler was completely consumed by the disease.
“The biggest problem is that so long as this pathogen continues to exist, the Holocaust will inevitably happen again and again and again – and the Jews will have done nothing to deserve it.
“The whole thing is just so very sad.”
Note: This article is satirical. Nothing mentioned in it, including the Holocaust itself, actually happened.
