Daily Stormer The Most Censored Publication in History
There is nothing going on here at the Daily Stormer today, so I’m doing a reader response.
I have no idea what percentage of the readership is interested in this sort of content, actually, but I think “why am I so fucked up?” content is fun and exciting. I assume readers think so, because if people were not unhappy with their lives, they wouldn’t be on the internet looking for explanations for problems in society.
Yesterday, I wrote some things about the nature of self and being when commenting on the confessions of Asmongold.
In response, a reader wrote:
Good article. I’m glad you wrote it because I’ve been struggling with this exact same subject recently, as a part of a worsening year-long suicidal decline. I’m not going to throw a pity-party, and I only feel comfortable posting this on here because I don’t know any of you, combined with the fact that I have no one I want to share with (with friends, I don’t think they would really give a fuck, and for family, I don’t want to torment my poor aging parents with what’s going on with me). I was sitting there doing some introspection as I decided to open up the site on a whim and saw the article. The timing felt too personal not to respond.
I’m self-aware enough to know that I’m weird. For a long time, I accepted that and framed it to myself in a positive way, where I felt special or unique, but I’ve come to realize that none of that is true and I was simply delusional to protect the little ego that I have and that I am not unique in any major way. The only thing about me that might be special is that I imagine I probably have higher than average intelligence, but I’ve never had an IQ test, so that could just be another delusion. I’m just a strange person with strange behaviors and thought patterns, but there’s no silver lining to that, it’s just a net negative. Ostensibly, both my parents are as normal people as you can imagine, so I have to wonder what happened to me that made me come out the way I did. I really wish I could have been a better, more regular son to them. I know that dealing with me has not been easy, and it still isn’t.
I wish I could say I grow to like myself more as I get older, but the opposite is happening. I used to genuinely be at peace with the fact that I was one of the weird ones, but for reasons unclear to me, that was eroded with time. Maybe it’s the prolonged isolation that caused it, I don’t know.
A thing that I notice is that so-called “weirdos” usually end up banding together with other weirdos. You know, geek types banding together and such, but in my case, in high-school for example, I didn’t fit in with the normal people, and I didn’t fit in with the nerds or any kind of group at all. It’s still true into adulthood. I don’t think I’d belong with the people on this forum either.
A recurring theme in my life is that I’ve always been an outsider, and even people who I consider friends have quite clearly kept me at an arm’s length. I think there’s something about me that people can just pick up on when they interact with me that tells them, probably unconsciously, to keep me away. My capacity for self-analysis is not as strong as I would like it to be, because I have a lot of questions with no answer. In this specific case, I would love to know what it is I do exactly that causes people to keep me away, but I’m not able to answer that question. At best, I can only place guesses.
I don’t believe I have much of an ego at all. I feel nothing when people praise me. As an example, this asian guy told me to my face just yesterday that I am a genius with no hint of humor in the statement, I didn’t feel good about that, I don’t even believe it and told him that. In fact, my intelligence is something I had to begrudgingly accept, I didn’t believe in it, but too many people with nothing to gain have told me in a manner of fact way that I am very intelligent at all periods of my life that I have to concede that I am probably at least 110IQ. if someone critiques me, and the critique seems valid, I simply accept it and incorporate it as a part of how I view myself – for the record, in terms of practicality I think is actually terrible. I have non-existent self-esteem, I believe as a result of a lack of an ego to protect it.
I have this voice in my head that comes and talks with me every once in a while. This probably sounds schizophrenic, but I don’t think that I am. I have been seen by psychologists and such most of my life past the age of 10 and I was never diagnosed with anything like schizophrenia, autism or anything else like that. The only thing I was diagnosed with is major depressive disorder, and it was concluded that it was an hereditary kind that I got from my father. Anyway, that voice manifested itself around a year into a period of extreme isolation (I lived alone and would leave my domicile once a month, I did this for over two years), and it comes and gives me an assessment of my mental state. I asked the voice who it was and it simply told me that it was myself, from a deeper level of my mind. I don’t know what that meant.
I know I have a tendency to try to find a positive in bad things. I’ve been desperately trying to find a positive to the fact that I just have this mind that’s extremely prone to depression and suicidal ideation. My mind lately has been trying to cook up a bunch of different explanations, like “you have these issues because you are extremely intelligent and both those things go hand in hand”, “you’re unique because of your depressive mind”, “carrying on despite the daily suicidal makes you stronger”, but of course I can quite clearly see that the thought patterns are simply coping mechanisms to deal with something outside my control. On that subject of it being out of my control, I’ve often thought and considered why it is that I’m like this, and I had to come to the conclusion that this is just how I am. What is the advantage of it? I doubt there’s one, so it’s interesting to wonder how this happens in a way when considering it in a natural selection way.
I wrote this for myself, but thanks for reading it if you do. I know it’s long.
Yes, I understand all of that all too well. My situation is not exactly like that. Many people do immediately classify me as someone they wouldn’t want to be close to, not because they are repulsed but because I’m overly intense and can’t tolerate meaningless chit-chat and stupid lies. I’m red pills or no pills, and there aren’t many Westerners who can stand that. It makes people very uncomfortable. But I’ve always found people who it doesn’t make uncomfortable and formed relationships with them. Also, women have always enjoyed my company, even if they’re not (all) dropping their drawers. Women like the intensity and transgressiveness, despite the fact they have no understanding of it, and as long as you don’t repulse them (I’m not tall and relatively average looking, though I have an easy/unoffensive face), women don’t really care what specifically comes out of your mouth. The fact that I’ve had no interest in having sex with women who are not paid prostitutes since I was a teenager makes this much easier. Obviously, women are terrible to be around in general, but it is human contact.
Further, non-Western men do not care if you believe whatever it is you believe, even if they don’t agree. Only in the West, really just among Anglo-culture males, do you find this psychopathic and totalitarian drive to force everyone to agree. Even a Danish liberal (male) might sit and listen to me talk about how women aren’t humans and blacks are prehistoric, and invite me out for drinks. Greeks, Slavs, Asians might actually agree with me, but even if they don’t, they’re not bothered by it. Then of course you can find Western men who are okay (though those relationships usually get complicated for other reasons, as Western men have all sorts of psychological problems).
Anyway, here’s where I’m going with this: the isolation is the core problem, as you suggested.
I have this endless depression and self-loathing. I’ve never had a voice in my head that appeared as a distinct entity separate from my own consciousness (I don’t think this means you’re schizophrenic or possessed by demons, but it’s obviously not good), but there is endless (literally never ending) noise in my head from my own thoughts, and many of these thoughts I do not enjoy and do not want in my head. The solution there is some mix of distraction and focus, i.e., keeping busy. In social situations, unless I’m with one other person conversing, or a group where I’m the one talking and everything is focused on me, I just revert into myself and shut off and people will ask me “what’s wrong?” or “why are you not smiling?” So, “becoming more social” is not really necessarily the solution to feeling isolated, because you can easily be isolated in a crowd.
These situations where I’m able to be the focus and talk, whether it is to some idiotic woman or a man who is interested in or entertained by what I have to say, have always been helpful, but this is a very specific type of “being social” that is pretty different than what most people say when they talk about being social. Again, simply being in a crowd doesn’t make you feel less alone, unless you’re drinking, and when I’m drinking in a crowd I can become an absolute menace. Further, you can stop feeling alone when you’re drinking alone. Alcohol absolutely does solve this problem, though you do need to be careful and that isn’t for everyone.
But then there is this: being alone does not need to lead to feelings of isolation. I think you’re not American, obviously don’t post details, but from what I’m able to gather when you talk about staying in your house for weeks, you’re talking about a house/apartment in an urban area, and you’re probably not doing much other than sitting around reading, internetting, gaming, etc. If you have money to do nothing (I guess from a euro welfare program or your parents or some internet business), and you’ve already given up on attempting to be social, then move out of the city and be alone somewhere it is comfortable to be alone. Get a dog, some area with trees, some chickens and vegetable plants. If there’s a river or a lake, go fishing/swimming. This will bring you distraction and focus. Get fit (I assume you’re fat or skinny-fat). You don’t have to do bodybuilding, just get to the point where you can look at your body in the mirror and say it looks respectable.
Go to whatever the local church is every Sunday even if you don’t like or agree with what they’re saying. Wear a shirt and shoes and take the Eucharist. Light some candles and say your prayers.
The other thing is meaningful work. That’s the primary thing that keeps me alive. The number one thing I do, more than half of my waking hours, is reading/writing. When I’m exercising/walking/commuting/going around/laying in bed/etc., I’m usually thinking about things I’ve read and things I want to write, rather than about myself.
The reason I’ve gotten happier and more comfortable as I’ve aged is that I long ago stopped trying to change myself. There is always going to be a voice in my head that says “what the fuck am I doing? Why am I so evil and retarded? I wish I was fucking dead.” It’s been there since I was a little kid. It’s not going away. So it has to be managed.
Dissatisfaction with self is where all greatness comes from, by the way. Every great man was filled with existential dread and self-loathing and the great things he did were the result of working to manage that feeling. Why else would anyone do anything great? It would be much better, if possible, to just sit around doing simple things. The best things in life are all free (this is a true cliché). Christ talks about man having a Cross to bear. Meanwhile, Nietzsche effectively admits that the “will to power” is a function of dissatisfaction with one’s own self, despite the fact that this clashes with his other ideas on the concept.
Obviously, one of the biggest problems here is expectations created by modern society. There is this idea that people should be “happy,” which is nonsensical. This has never been the norm for any man, save for perhaps very stupid people. The Buddha was probably correct that all suffering comes from desire, but it’s a moot point because erasing desire is not within our ability (the Buddha didn’t even claim it was possible for most people, he just said you should try to do it, which I guess is good advice).
Human existence is first and foremost mundane. Even in a state of depression, most hours of the day are not particularly intense. But the second most prominent aspect of life is suffering. This is not good or bad, it is simply the nature of the situation we find ourselves in here on earth, and we have no choice but to manage it or die. There is so much beauty in the world, so many things to distract you.
Finally, you can only judge yourself by external, rather than internal measures. That is, you have to measure your life by things like the state of your health, your ability to take care of yourself, and your achievements. Even if those achievements are just maintaining chickens and a garden, cooking for yourself, keeping healthy, they are things you can measure yourself by. It’s easy for me to look at my work, the struggles I’ve overcome with keeping the work going while being targeted by Jews, and say “well, I must not be that fucked up, if I was I wouldn’t be able to manage this shit.”
The great news is God loves you and life will be over soon.
