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Earlier this week, Beto O’Rourke invaded a press conference held by Governor Greg Abbott about the school shooting in Uvalde, Texas.
The highly moral O’Rourke, believed to be an Irish Mexican, was using the dead children to promote his campaign for governor.
Beto O’Rourke just interrupted Greg Abbott’s press conference pic.twitter.com/UFXo0PajYK
— p e t e (@plana_journ) May 25, 2022
Beto then held his own press conference to whine about those dead children. Asked by supporters what his next trick would be, Beto informed the media that he is demanding a hardwood floor be installed atop the graves of the dead children so that he can “tap dance for gun control.”
“These children are dead because guns exist,” O’Rourke said with a charming grin. “I intend to fight for their right to live by tap dancing on their graves and demanding gun control as part of my brilliant campaign to become ruler of this evil state of Texas.”
Most people think this is very normal and good.
Asked about the style of tap dancing he intended to do on the children’s graves, Beto replied that he wanted to dance “an old-fashioned negro jig.” After saying that, he put on his sunglasses and did a duckface.
Someone from the media pointed out that “negro” is not a politically correct term.
Beto then removed his sunglasses and started weeping uncontrollably, saying that he misspoke, and he actually planned to do the dance as “an old-fashioned BIPOC jig.” Tears flowing down his face, Beto then told a staff member to play “Behind Blue Eyes” by The Who.
As Roger Daltrey moaned that “no one knows what it’s like to be the sad man,” Beto did a remarkable thing: he began to tap dance.
Just then, Greg Abbott rolled in in his wheelchair and began shouting: “You can’t tap dance to The Who! It’s time we took action to stop this! We have to do what needs to be done!”
While Beto kept on dancing, one of his henchmen said “you sonovabitch! You get out of here! Get this man out of here! Sir, you’re a sonovabitch coming in here and making a political thing out of this!” The henchman then grabbed Abbott’s wheelchair by his horns and pushed him down a flight of stairs.
Beto then took off his tap dancing shoes, put on a pair of Airwalks, then picked up a skateboard and started doing kickflips.
Screaming directly into the camera, he screamed: “I’M CHANGING MY DEMANDS: I DEMAND GOVERNOR ABBOT INSTALL A HALFPIPE ON THE GRAVES OF THESE MEXICAN CHILDREN! I’M GOING TO SKATE FOR LIFE! THESE KIDS JUST WANT TO LIVE!”
Just then, Greg Abbott climbed up the stairs he’d just been pushed down, his incredible arm strength dragging his useless floppy legs, and said: “You’ve got yourself a deal, Beto. I challenge you to a skate-off on the halfpipe I just ordered built on the top of the graves of those Mexican children.”
The room went dead silent for a full ten minutes, as everyone just looked around at each other, eyes darting crisscrossed. Finally, Beto’s henchman said: “You’re gonna ride the halfpipe in your crip-wagon, you sonovabitch?”
“Yes,” Abbott said. “You bet I am.”
Beto felt an emotion then that he’d never felt before: and that emotion was called “fear.”
He lashed out: “You’re not my dad, Greg!”
Abbott squinted, gripping the stair: “No, I’m not. But this Sunday, you’re going to be calling me ‘daddy’ after I beat your ass like your real daddy should have done a lot time ago, you paddy spic.” Abbott then did a duckface.
Abbott was then informed by the media that both “paddy” and “spic” are politically incorrect terms, and Abbott started crying.
Just then, ADL leader Jonathan Greenblatt emerged from the shadows. The crowd gasped.
“I forgive you for saying that, Abbott – you’ve been a great friend of Israel,” Greenblatt said.
“Mr. Greenblatt, sir, I beg you my Lord, but I love the Jews and Israel even more than Greg Abbott,” Beto told the Jewish leader.
“I know,” said Greenblatt. “And that’s why I’m endorsing you for… President of the United States of America!”
“Lord Greenblatt!” Abbot cried, “He’s not even running for President!”
“You will leave that decision to me, Abbott!” Greenblatt snapped. “But I haven’t finished. Greg, I also endorse you… for President of the United States!”
Abbott’s eyes lit up: “You’re endorsing us both?”
“Yes,” Greenblatt said, before telling his henchman to play a Yiddish tap-dancing song.
Greenblatt then started doing the moonwalk.
Someone in the audience screamed: “You can’t do the moonwalk to a tap-dancing song!”
“Get that anti-Semite out of here!” Greenblatt screamed. Beto’s henchman then punched the man in the face and threw him across the floor like a bowling ball. The man hit Abbott and they both tumbled down the stairs.
“Here we go again!” Abbott cried out.
As Greenblatt moonwalked his way back into the shadows, the crowd gasped as Donald Trump descended from the ceiling on a platform.
“I’ve just been reelected,” Trump said before a long pause, allowing for further gasps by the audience “…as judge of Sunday’s halfpipe competition!”
“You can’t do this!” Beto cried.
“I just did.” Trump said with alpha male energy. “Where do you think those dead Mexican children are buried? That’s right, Beto: Trump Grand Cemetery in Orlando, Florida.”
Trump then ordered one of his henchmen to play the Puff Daddy remix of that Led Zeppelin song.
Someone in the audience shouted: “That song sucks, you Nazi!”
Trump replied: “So do you.”
The Mexican parents of the dead children then began climbing through the windows (they had been banned from the event by Beto). One of the parents, known as El Diablo Del Maximo, was wearing a Mexican wrestler’s mask. The rest of the parents were dressed as a mariachi band and carrying instruments. El Diablo Del Maximo then began singing in Mexican, as the band began playing a Livin’ La Vida Loca by Ricky Martin.
Beto began yelling down the stairs: “You hear that, Abbott? Those dead children will never be able to live the crazy life because you snuff them out!”
Abbott, whose mangled body lay tangled halfway down the flight of stairs, yelled to the cops: “My heroes! Arrest these Mexicans!”
The hero cops then began torturing the parents of the dead children while laughing maniacally.
“We support the police!” yelled Beto. “They’re the only ones who should have guns! But we need to defund them!”
Just then, nude Ukrainian refugee women swung in on ropes and started screaming at Beto O’Rourke, demanding more financial aid. Beto tried to explain that he was not governor yet, but that when he was, he would steal the guns from everyone in Texas and send them to the Ukraine.
But the Ukrainian women couldn’t understand English. One of them bit Beto on the shoulder. He then looked at her nude body and noticed: “Monkeypox! She’s got monkeypox!”
The crowd began to scatter for the exits, as Trump ascended on his platform, saying: “It’s just smallpox, don’t be a pussy, Beto.”
The skateboarding competition is scheduled for 1 PM EST and will air only on Pay-Per-View at a price of $700.
