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You know, I’m an animal lover.
I think we’re all animal lovers.
But this New York Post headline is the funniest thing I’ve seen in months:
This story is getting huge tabloid coverage. Basically, this black guy released his pit bulls on some gay guys’ dog, then when the pits didn’t kill it, he pulled out a knife and stabbed the dog to death himself.
The monster who fatally stabbed a couple’s dog in Central Park pulled a switchblade after his three unleashed pit bulls attacked the doomed pup, police sources told The Post Sunday.
The vicious attack Saturday night happened as the helpless dog’s owners scrambled to separate the animals near the park’s 106th Street and East Drive entrance, sources said.
The suspect’s trio of pooches charged after Eli, a 14-year-old pit bull-German shepherd mix, around 8:30 p.m., who was being walked by a couple from the area, according to sources and the tragic dog’s owner.
Eli and Sadie’s owner Brian Robert told The Post Sunday that all hell broke loose when he confronted the aggressive dogs’ owner, whom he’s seen before in the neighborhood.
“I was trying to correct him and say it’s not OK, your dog just tried to bite my dog,” said Brian, who didn’t want his full name used out of fear of retribution. “And then he just wanted to be a tough guy and he started trying to talk to me like he’s my dad. I know the guy, I’ve spoken to him. But his dogs never tried to bite my dog.”
That’s when the brute — wearing an orange hat, gray shirt and blue jeans — unleashed his three dogs, all pit bull mixes, and allegedly stabbed Eli to death, Brian recalled.
He fled the park with his pets.
Eli’s owners rushed him to the vet but he had to be euthanized.
(“Brian Robert” didn’t want his full name used? Pretty sure “Brian and Robert” were the “couple.” However, some outlets are claiming he had a wife, but he’s wearing the rainbow, and other outlets called the person with him his “partner.” Journalists shouldn’t be replaced by ChatGPT, btw.)
I watched some of the local news segments about it.
This woman says she doesn’t know why someone would kill an innocent dog.
She actually does know.
This Armenian woman says she doesn’t know who would do this.
She also does actually know who would do this – just so you understand.
There is no single person in America who does not know which sort of pit bull owner would pull out a switchblade and stab someone’s dog in Central Park.
The thing that I find so funny about the story is that it seems to somehow fundamentally represent 2023 America.
News stories are increasingly just a series of tropes.
These American tropes are present here:
- Violent black male snapping
- Pit bull attack
- Homosexual walking around in public with dogs, wearing rainbow symbols very proudly
- White woman getting in the middle of a situation
- Outrageous happening in New York City that involves violence, a crowd, and people yelling
We just need white women demanding justice for the dog or the black or whatever, and then some Jewish lawyer group injecting itself, and we will have the entire American experience.
But I have to tell you: hats off to the Post though for the term “doomed pup.”
I feel like I need to go back and read Aristophanes and write a comedy play called “The Americans” about this news story. The doomed pup will be a metaphor for America itself.
At the end, the loud old Italian boxer is telling a rowdy, ruffian black kid, who he is vaguely trying to mentor: “Waddaya gunna do, kid? That pup was doomed from the start. He was a doomed pup.” Then, the old orthodox Jew diamond merchant who raises pigeons says, “in this town, we’re all doomed pups, old man. The question is, how much kibble are you going to scarf down before the doom catches up to you?”
Then the black kid stabs them both and runs off stage (without stealing anything).
Curtains.
