In Memory of 9/11: Five Easy Things You Can Do to Thank a Logger for His Logs

It’s the 23rd anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, when terrorists flew deadly airplanes into the World Trade Center.

Immediately after the harrowing attacks, people would no longer trust steel buildings. As it turned out, steel could be easily melted by jet fuel. That’s when the few and the brave stepped up and stood for their country: loggers went to work, bringing our people wood so we could keep going as a country.

Without the sacrifices of brave loggers, 9/11 could have been the end of this nation. Loggers put their life on the line every day, yet at various dark periods in our history, protesters against loggers have spat on them and called them “sapling stompers.” These days, of course, people have a lot of respect for loggers, and it’s customary when you meet a logger to thank him for his logs.

However, on 9/11 loggers were put on the front lines, having to chop more logs than ever before. That’s why today is an important day to remember the great sacrifice of loggers and do something special for a logger.

Most of us know loggers, but we don’t know what we can do to show them our love. While thanking them for their logs is a good start, it is nowhere near enough to compensate them for their brave sacrifice.

Here’s a list of five easy things you can do to show a logger you love them.

1.) Call the Government’s Loggers’ Affairs Bureau and Demand Better Treatment of Loggers

It’s no big secret that when the loggers come back from logging, the government doesn’t do enough for them. Loggers often experience terrible tragedy while logging, and have a hard time fitting back into daily life.

If you want to make a logger feel better, go to their house, put the phone on speaker, and call the Loggers’ Affairs Bureau and chew them out. You can use phrases like “listen here, motherfucker” and “no, you listen to me, you cocksucker.” You may also vaguely insinuate you know things about the phone operator’s family and where they live. The logger will see you are fighting for them, and know that their logs were not in vain.

2.) Buy Them a New Car

You might think loggers are always riding around in big pieces of machinery, but the reality is, when they’re not out logging, they’re driving cars just like everyone else. If you want to let a logger know you appreciate them, consider buying them a new car and delivering it to them.

Because of all they’ve been through, loggers appreciate the comfort of German cars such as BMW, Mercedes-Benz, and Audi. However, I’m sure no logger would complain if you showed up in their driveway with a Lamborghini!

Just make sure it’s new and don’t eat anything in it on the way to drop it off at his house. You don’t want to taint your gift to the logger with fast food grease.

3.) Drop a Log on ‘Em

As you might expect, loggers love logs. When they’re not logging, they’re always thinking about logs.

When a logger is lonely for logs, he’ll sometimes call another logger and say “drop a log on me, daddy-o.” This is logger speak for “bring me some logs.”

It might be difficult to find a batch of fresh logs in your area, but it is possible to wait along the highway and highjack a logging truck at gunpoint.

If you show up with a tractor-trailer full of logs, the logger is going to really feel like you appreciate all the logs he’s given to this country.

4.) Offer to “Take Out” One of Their Enemies

Murder is illegal in America, but we all have people we want dead, and loggers are no different. However, given all that loggers have done, they shouldn’t have to bear the consequences of a murder, so you can offer to do it for them.

If you want to murder one of the enemies of a logger, ask if he needs you to “take someone out.” That’s logger speak for “murder.”

When the logger sees the news about the death of his enemy, it will put a big smile on his face and he will remember that people care about all he sacrificed for his logs.

5.) Let a Logger Have Sex with Your Wife and/or Daughter

Loggers get horny just like everyone else, and if you have an attractive wife or daughter, this provides an opportunity for you to show your appreciation. You can drop in on the logger with your wife or daughter – preferably both – and tell the logger he’s welcome to “take a ride on the lady(s),” which is logger speak for “have sex.”

If you want to make a joke, when the logger is taking your wife and daughter into his bedroom, say “just don’t chop them down, alright?” That’s logger humor and the logger is likely to get a real kick out of it.

Do What Your Heart Tells You

These are just a few easy ideas to show your care about the logs of a logger. The number of things you can do is unlimited, but it is just important that you do something special, because without our loggers, this country would be nothing.

Follow your heart, and show a logger you care on this important day of tragedy and celebration.