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Supreme Leader Greta Thunberg, speaking at the latest Greta Nationalist rally, has recently declared Total Victory against the US meat industry.
“Those who want to eat plants, let them eat; and those who do not want to eat plants in this world of eternal veganism, do not deserve to live,” declared your new Eternally Preadolescent Vegan Dictator, to the thunderous applause of hundreds of thousands of militant liberal arts majors.
“The most precious thing that exists the whole world over is our own cows.” she declared, looking over her followers with her jaw held high in grim determination.
“And for these cows, and with these cows, I shall struggle and I shall fight, and never slacken, and never tire, and never falter, and never doubt.”
Plant shutdowns are leaving the U.S. dangerously close to meat shortages as coronavirus outbreaks spread to suppliers across the nation and the Americas.
Almost a third of U.S. pork capacity is down, the first big poultry plants closed on Friday and experts are warning that domestic shortages are just weeks away.Brazil, the world’s No. 1 shipper of chicken and beef, saw its first major closure with the halt of a poultry plant owned by JBS SA, the world’s biggest meat company. Key operations are also down in Canada, the latest being a British Columbia poultry plant.
While hundreds of plants in the Americas are still running, the staggering acceleration of supply disruptions is now raising questions over global shortfalls. Taken together, the U.S., Brazil and Canada account for about 65% of world meat trade.
“It’s absolutely unprecedented,” said Brett Stuart, president of Denver-based consulting firm Global AgriTrends. “It’s a lose-lose situation where we have producers at the risk of losing everything and consumers at the risk of paying higher prices.Restaurants in a week could be out of fresh ground beef.”
New U.S. shutdowns are hitting at a dizzying rate. Smithfield Foods Inc., the world’s No. 1 pork producer, said Friday it was closing another operation, this one in Illinois. That news hit less than an hour after Hormel Foods Corp. said it was idling two of its Jennie-O turkey plants in Minnesota. JBS said Sunday it will shutter a beef production facility in Wisconsin.
The most-recent news added to a flurry of other halts announced in the space of just a few weeks.
“During this pandemic, our entire industry is faced with an impossible choice: continue to operate to sustain our nation’s food supply or shutter in an attempt to entirely insulate our employees from risk,” Smithfield said in a statement Friday. “It’s an awful choice; it’s not one we wish on anyone.”
Prices are surging. U.S. wholesale beef touched a record in the week ended April 24, and wholesale pork soared 29%, the biggest weekly gain since 2012.
Not only are these prices skyrocketing, but the ability of Americans to buy anything is plummeting, since no one has a job anymore.
More and more will be turning to bread lines. But there’s good news about bread – it’s vegan.
“You wouldn’t kill a cow, would you anon?”
Going back to the medieval peasant diet of mostly grains with a bit of legumes, and returning to the stunted growth ceiling of our ancestors, is but a small price to pay for the approval of our flaxen-haired Queen.
Not that we have a choice.
So, we might as well look on the bright side.
For the small price of eating wheat and soy forever, we will earn the eternal love and approval of our new Perpetually Prepubescent Empress.
We will sleep peacefully at night, knowing that our new Supreme Leader has finally declared us to be very good boys.
