Dudes Have Microplastic in Their Penises (It’s the Only Problem on Earth That Can’t be Solved by Windmills or Wars)

Three guesses where this is sourced from. First two don’t count.

Only one major English outlet releases stories about microplastics with any regularity, and that is the Guardian.

The Washington Post has an entire vertical about global warming.

One of those articles is telling baby boomers to get a roommate to help change the weather.

How many levels of hyper reality are you on, bro?

It’s dozens of articles per week. None of them provide any proof that manmade global warming is anything but a massive scam. None of them talk about the fact that all of these “green” technologies are dumping huge amounts of toxic waste into the entire global water supply.

Meanwhile, there is plastic in your penis.

Fun fact: all plastic becomes microplastic, unless you burn it. And they claim burning it changes the weather.

The only time these people will talk about plastic is in the context of those stupid paper straws which…


Because of course.

You’re actually going to be absorbing a lot more chemicals into your body with the paper straw that gets all mushy in your drink than you would have with a plastic straw.

But the plastic straw would have turned into microplastics that would end up in your penis.

The Guardian:

Microplastics have been discovered in penises for the first time, raising questions about a potential role in erectile dysfunction.


What’s next?

Are they going to PENETRATE the problem of VAGINAL ODOR?

The revelation comes after the pollutants were recently detected in testes and semen. Male fertility has fallen in recent decades and more research on potential harm of microplastics to reproduction is imperative, say experts.

The researchers said the penis could be particularly vulnerable to contamination with microplastics due to high blood flow during erections. People ingest microplastics through eating, drinking and breathing and the tiny particles have been detected in blood.

Rollin’ down the sidewalk screamin’
“I got plastic in my semen!”
Every time I see a young woman I wanna poke her
I mean I wanna play her in poker
Because women are dim
Means I’m sure to win
My low sex drive is drastic and that’s fantastic
Because my entire dick is filled with plastic
I can’t get it up even she got a tight ass
Because the veins in my dick are pumping PFAS

Stopped in for a curry
Indian man tried to convert me to furry
I declined and he looked a bit surly
I’m not gay, but he looked kinda girly
So I dressed up like a pup
Still couldn’t get it up
Now I’m trottin’ down the sidewalk barkin’
“I got plastic in my semen!”
I wonder if ED gets you handicapped parkin’
Own an EV, that’s the quickest place to charge it

Sea levels are risin’
Climate’s a crisis
Temperatures risin’
Windmills gonna save us
But my dick is still useless

The study assessed tissue taken from five men who were undergoing surgery related to erectile dysfunction. Microplastics were found in four cases, with PET and polypropylene being the most prevalent. Both are used in food and drink packaging and other everyday items.

There appears to be widespread contamination of people’s bodies with microplastics, with scientists finding them wherever they look. The impact on health is as yet unknown but microplastics have been shown to cause damage to human cells in the laboratory.

The particles can cause inflammation in tissue, as air pollution particles do, and chemicals in the plastics could also cause harm. Doctors found a substantially raised risk of stroke and heart attack death in people whose arteries were contaminated with microplastics.

Millions of tonnes of plastic waste are dumped in the environment every year and much is broken down into microplastics. These have polluted the entire planet, from the summit of Mount Everest to the deepest oceans.

When I was like 9 years old I used to stay up and listen to this degenerate late night radio show with a Jew psychiatrist woman and a shock jock comedian where they took calls where people would ask sexual questions. I would listen real quiet, with my ear right up against the speaker. I didn’t sleep much, even back then.

I remember one time a teenager called in and said everyone was making fun of him because his penis is small. He was like “it just pisses me off, because like, they’re always saying it’s so small and I’m just getting pissed off” and the yenta was like “well, firstly, you need to work on your language. There’s no reason to use that kind of language. Secondly, you can’t really tell the size of the penis unless it is erect. You might be what they call a ‘grower’ and not a ‘shower.’ They’ll never really know how big your penis is” and then the shock jock interrupted and was like “unless he jacked off in front of them” and the yenta says “no, he’s not going to do that, he doesn’t need to do that, he just needs to realize he’s a grower and someday when he has a girlfriend she’ll see how big it really is.”

So then immediately after that call, there’s like, Monster Truck Rally ads, and then it comes back and the shock jock is like “Now, some news: I’ve got a swizzle stick stuck in my dick!” and he told the story of a man who ended up in a New York emergency room because he was drunk and masturbating and he thought he would stick the (glass) swizzle stick in his dick and then fire it out like a rocket when he ejaculated, but the swizzle stick broke in half and then got stuck inside his dick.

NOTE TO DEGENERATE AMERICAN BEER DRINKERS: A “swizzle stick” is something that adults use to stir their drinks. You might know that this is something that adults do because you heard James Bond say “shaken, not stirred” when he ordered his vodka martini. If he had ordered it “stirred, not shaken,” it would have been stirred with a swizzle stick.

Now, here’s where I get to the point: unless you’re staying in a $1,200 a night hotel or dining at some hipster steakhouse (in Russia), you’re not likely to find a glass swizzle stick in the current year. They’re all made of plastic.

That plastic is all going to end up in your dick.

Do you see what I did there?

Are You Tired of Degenerate Sexualized Stories from Andrew Anglin’s Childhood Appearing in Articles for No Clear Reason?

We know we are. That’s why, starting on September 17, 2029, we will begin phasing out all of Andrew Anglin’s degenerate nostalgia for Jewed-up perversity from the end of articles unless they somehow relate to something somehow. The above clearly does not qualify, and therefore, on June 12, 2031, this sort of thing will have been completely phased out.

Let us know what you think in the comments section below and ring my bells.