Shock as Joe Brandon’s Uncle Eaten by Cannibals

Aw no, not Uncle Ambrose.

The poor bastard.


US President Joe Biden has claimed that an uncle of his who went missing in the Pacific during the Second World War had been eaten by cannibals.

Second Lieutenant Ambrose Finnegan of the US Army Air Forces was declared missing in May 1944, after his light bomber crashed in the sea.

He got shot down in an area where there were a lot of cannibals at the time,” Biden told reporters on the campaign trail outside Air Force One in Scranton, Pennsylvania. “They never recovered his body, but the government went back when I went down there and they checked and found some parts of the plane.”

Several hours later, at a meeting with United Steelworkers union members in Pittsburgh, Biden told the same story.

He got shot down in New Guinea and they never found the body because there used to be – there were a lot of cannibals, for real, in that part of New Guinea,” the 81-year-old Democrat said.

According to the Pentagon’s agency for prisoners of war and missing in action (POW-MIA), Finnegan was never shot down, however. Nor was it on a reconnaissance mission, as Biden claimed.

The A-20 Havoc light bomber was on a “courier run” from the Los Negros Island when its engines failed at low altitude, per the official account of the incident. The plane dropped into the sea off the north coast of New Guinea and two out of three crew members never made it out of the sinking wreck, which was never found. The one man who survived was rescued by a passing boat.

Biden has told many fictitious tales about his life over a 50-year career in politics, most famously about getting arrested while trying to visit Nelson Mandela in a South African prison. He has repeated one debunked story about an Amtrak conductor more than a dozen times.

The cannibal claim about Uncle Ambrose, however, served as a springboard for attacking his predecessor – and presumptive challenger – Donald Trump. In the campaign speech in Pittsburgh, Biden told a story about how Trump allegedly refused to honor fallen US soldiers buried in France, calling them “suckers” and “losers.”

That story isn’t true, but Trump should have said that.

I mean, we’ve been over how the Americans didn’t understand that Hitler was the good guy, and went to fight this war for the Jews, and created this modern nightmare we all live in. But they were “suckers.” And if they died, they were also “losers.”

These are just the facts.

But he didn’t actually say that. It was from a fake news story in The Atlantic from way back when. The story was immediately debunked, but they just recycle this stuff.

I believe the part about Uncle Ambrose being eaten by cannibals though.

He was a hearty Irishman, raised on potatoes and potatoes. He was a feast for those cannibals.

In fact, those cannibals who ate Uncle Ambrose were later said to have become “addicted to potatoes by proxy.” I don’t know what this means. We’ll have to ask Brandon at his next campaign stop.

(Note to editor: it’s supposed to say “potatoes and potatoes.” It’s a joke about the Irish.)