Stupid Headlines About the Downfall of “The Misshapen Meatball Man”

Ron DeSantis’ last campaign rally was held in some random stranger’s kitchen in Idaho. Only two people attended, both of them people who live in the house. DeSantis allegedly gave them an entire crate of Snyder’s of Hanover classic hard pretzels that he claimed had “fallen off of the back of a truck” in exchange for letting him use the space, but many wondered if it was voter bribery. He smiled awkwardly as he talked about school choice and the threat of Walt Disney World. One of the women then vomited, which was especially awkward because she was wearing a red full body spandex suit for some reason. No one clapped and he accused them of being Hamas. The other lady then began slapping him with a dirty flip flop, as he smiled awkwardly, looking like a 12-year-old boy who has just been issued notice that he’s being investigated for sexually molesting his 7-year-old sister right in front of all of his classmates during social studies class.

These headlines are stupid.

Dipshit, slut: it all went wrong when it started.

He was polling near Trump when it was all theoretical. There were actually polls in 2021 when he scored above Trump. Even I was like “whoa.” Then people saw the way he talks and looks.

This nigga was giving campaign speeches and looking like Harvey Weinstein in the court room. Looking like somebody just showed everyone a picture of his dick.

I’ve never seen someone so totally lacking in personality.

Why did he become a politician? Politics is a personality contest. He should have become a bus driver or a serial killer.

Then you’ve got this beaut:

It’s an op-ed, but why would you publish an op-ed about the candidate with 9% taking on the candidate who, post DeSantis-surrender, is going to have 80-odd percent?

Maybe if “Nikki Haley” started bringing cripples up on stage and healing them with her hands, like Jesus, she could pose a challenge.

Maybe if she was injected with a serum that made her transform into a creature that is 90-feet tall and then started doing rallies in a field, yodeling, people would vote for her.


But that ain’t happening, Jack.

Now, take a quick peek at this:

We’ve got black people writing news FAQs in ebonics, and people say journalists shouldn’t be replaced with robots?

You must be yanking my chain!

(Note: That last thing is not a result of black people writing headlines. It’s a result of black people doing Google searches. “Is DeSantis endorse Trump” is what black people wrote into their phones after someone told them “I juss her DeSannass engorse Tramp.” The smart one gets on her phone and types: “is desantis endorse trump?” Then it becomes a “frequently asked question,” because so many of them typed it, and it actually is a robot that takes the most asked questions on a topic and creates the FAQ section. That’s in itself pretty funny, but it would be funnier if, in honor of George Floyd, Google News was hiring black people to write their FAQs and they wrote them like they write their search queries.)