Reprinted from the Associated Press without permission.
Amidst a slow start of the much ballyhooed “AI Week Blitz,” anti-Semitic child marriage advocate and Daily Stormer publisher Andrew Anglin has begun begging for financial aid, claiming he will “pay someone a lot of money to drill a tiny hole” in his head to “alleviate the pressure” he claims is caused by an alleged brain tumor.
After weeks of hype, the deranged internet personality and writer began his “blitz” with a piece bashing Robert Heinlein and Elon Musk and a longer and more offensive piece about captchas training AI and his plan to force pre-pubescent girls to marry “much older men.” Anglin has claimed that his abrupt shifts between topics are “an attempt to salvage traditional modernism,” but many critics have observed that it is simply poor writing. Anglin has previously claimed that “anyone who engages in modernist or post-modernist writing should be tied to a post and eaten alive by army ants.”
The blitz was advertised as “the least interesting part” of a series of religious visions Anglin claims to have had while ill, which he has dubbed “The Illness Revelations.” Anglin has further claimed that his illness is the result of a brain tumor, but has admitted that he has not undergone any type of brain scan and may not actually have a tumor.
Despite no evidence of the supposed tumor, Anglin now claims he is going to pay an “unlicensed new age quack” to drill a tiny hole in his head. He claims to have read on the internet that this cures headaches. He is using the theoretical tumor and the fantastical claim he will undergo a primitive 17th century type of brain operation to solicit Bitcoin from his readers, who he refers to as his “close personal friends.”
Anglin has for several years accepted only Monero, citing concern for the privacy of his patrons using other cryptocurrency. However, this week, announcing the plan to drill a hole through his skull, Anglin posted a cleverly titled email address, “email@example.com,” saying that he will respond to every email he receives with a clean BTC address.
The stated plan to drill a hole in his head is the culmination of a series of events that began with Anglin’s absence from the website beginning the day after the Hamas invasion of Israel. The neo-Nazi posted that he had a headache, and his byline did not appear on the site for several days. This was his first absence from the site in over ten years. After returning, he claimed that he’d gone into a “mini coma” and experienced a religious revelation of a nightmarish other reality where truths were revealed to him. He further claimed that the vision was the result of a brain tumor that was giving him special spiritual insight, but would kill him in six weeks. Shortly thereafter, he declared himself “supreme leader of the Irish race,” and began writing even more about child marriage.
Experts in hate speech say that Anglin is likely lying about the brain tumor and planned skull-drilling as a way to fleece his readers.
“I don’t believe for an instant that smarmy little fiend is going to drill a hole in his head,” said Dr. Murray Goldenblatt, head of the Patriotic League of Americans for Israel. “I wish he would drill his whole head off, but you have to understand, he’s a slimy schmuck.”
Meanwhile, a source at the CIA, who preferred to remain anonymous, said that he had viewed x-ray scans of Anglin’s brain captured from a special satellite, showing that “the brain is totally deranged, but there is no tumor.”
“By the way, he’s not the last and best hope for the human race,” the source added. “That would be Kamala Harris.”
The intelligence source further stated: “By the way, I’m Jewish and I have ancestors who died in the Holocaust, and I just want people to know that they should not send Anglin any Bitcoin.”
Anglin did not respond in a timely manner to the AP’s request for comment.
Anglin issued a statement to the press following the publishing of this article, accusing the AP of lying about his plan to drill a hole in his head.
“I have never once said I was going to pay an unlicensed new age quack to drill a hole in my skull,” Anglin falsely claimed. He further claimed that he had never said he had a brain tumor, despite the fact that this claim has appeared on the Daily Stormer over 200 times in the last month, before adding: “At least, I don’t think I ever claimed to have a brain tumor. However, I am having some memory problems, possibly related to my recently discovered brain tumor.”
Anglin further claimed, without evidence, that the Associated Press is run by diminutive homosexuals, saying, “I’ve seen these guys, they’re f—-ts, 5’2″, eyes of blue.”
He signed the statement “Andrew Anglin, Daily Stormer CEO and Supreme Leader of the Unified Irish Race, #FreePalestine.”